Blow Jobs

What a girl has to say on the subject

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. 
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful. 
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face. 
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow. 
5. My ears are NOT handles. 
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?  
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.  
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.  
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.  
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you. 
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.  
12. If you like how we do it, it's probabl y best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude. 
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content. 
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.  
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."                            

What men have to say on the subject.

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will. 
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish. 
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you? 
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.  
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up! 
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.  
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country. 
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. 
9. Play with the balls. 
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better. 
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that! 
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep." 
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? 

What I have to say on the subject.

After reading the email a couple times, I've come to the conclusion that the originator asked some selfish people their opinions on blow jobs. Especially the male opinions. So now I'll go down the list my self.

1. First of all giving someone a blow job is not an obligation its a choice. A choice that a lot of women make because it makes their men happy. Well screw that crap. I like it. Nothing gets me in the mood more than knowing my man is pleased by my ministrations.
2. Porn videos are for the most part fake. Putting aside cumming on someones face, when has a woman ever looked that perfect when getting her brains fucked out? Never that's when. And don't get me started on the audio...if it isn't some high pitched ah-hi ah-hi noise its something that sounds like that noise you make when you accidentally injure your self neither of which is sexy to me. And while it may not be standard practice its good to compromise.
3. Queefing is a hell of a lot more pleasant than farting because it doesn't smell, embarrassing as hell but not smelly. Using my ears as handles hurt you ass, the hair is a better handle and if you're smart about it even that small pain won't be noticeable.
4. Well since I don't have periods (thank you god) this doesn't really bother me but if you think stuffing your penis into the mouth of a woman in pain is a good idea...by all means go ahead I''m sure you won't miss it when she chomps it off while her stomach cramps and I'm pretty certain the doctors in the ER will be entertained as well.
5. Taste doesn't matter when one is in the throes of passion. If you don't enjoy going down on your woman not only will you suck at pleasing her...she won't be inclined to please you.
6. If you don't want her to stop blowing you to pull hair out her teeth...wax or if its too painful shave. If she says you taste nasty try eating less meat.
7. And as for your morning erections...why waste it a quickie before breakfast is great.

So there you have it, my thoughts on blow jobs. Now would you please stop sending me this email already for fucks sake?!