Death is a most tiresome thing.

It was around 6am, my mother woke me to tell me my father was dying. I was shocked, I jumped out of bed and stubbed my toe on the door in my haste to get to the room. Maybe I thought I could save him. He was already dead when I got there. A heart attack I guessed, since he'd been having a lot of them lately.

After soon many years of crying whenever I remembered just how old he was and that I might never see him proud at me for passing CXC, I faced the reality of his death with a feeling of detachment. Internally I realised I might be in shock. But whatever expression was on my face was gone., chased away by my mothers enraged voice telling me that his death was my fault. Well to be honest at the time she said it I was enraged. How dare she! After all if she'd just gotten over her fear of driving and carried him to the doctor he might still be alive. He refused to allow us to call an ambulance, stubbornly insisting that he would not go to the hospital unless mama drove him.

But alas, I couldn't give into my anger. Phone calls had to be made. Arrangements for his disposal had to be done. So I sucked it up and had at it. I called my siblings and my step mother, his sisters & brothers then finally I called my best friend. She came over as soon as she could. We didn't talk much. I think she knew that there really was nothing to be said.

My step brothers came. Nirmal & Tulli. Nirmal is in denial, he's massaging papa's feet, to warm them he says. I can see why he can't believe it. Papa looks as if he were asleep and he's smiling. Tulli on the other hand just looks on saying nothing. More people arrive, his sisters are crying...loudly. It sets my mother off again. As for me. Right now, I feel free and slight glad that he's finally gone. Now I won't be getting beaten for things I didn't do. At the same time the first wave of tears is almost upon me. I do miss him. Because we had many happy times together he and I. After all that's happened today I realized that all my happy memories are of him and I wonder if I will ever truly smile again.

The funeral is within the week. We're waiting on my step brother Vicky to return before having the cremation. I don't really understand the rites under which he wishes to be cremated, only that if we do it wrong he will be trapped on earth unable to move on. I don't believe that. But I will do it because he believes it, and I hope if he reincarnates that he will have a happy life.